20.

So I turned 20 recently and I can officially say that, glory be to God, I have spent two decades walking on this earth. This realisation has made me quite reflective, so I decided to write this blog post to share what I have learned within these 20 years.

1. Love is not exclusive to romantic  relationships

The traditional way of thought is to grow up, finish school, get a job and get married. Marriage, or finding your true love, seems to be the end goal for the majority of people. We spend our childhood watching TV shows that romanticise the idea of falling in love with a person, finding your one soulmate, locating your Prince Charming or Princess etc etc. It subconsciously becomes one of our most important desires in life, to find love and feel complete. Truly, I believe everybody wants to be loved. Everybody wants to feel that mushy feeling in your stomach and the joy that comes with a feeling of total acceptance. And it is very okay to want that. I want it too. But one thing I have learned, and continuously learn every day, is that there is more to life than aspiring and waiting for one person to understand and appreciate you. There is so much more.

Love is not restricted to a single person or a single type of relationship. Love can be found in so many other ways. You can find love in your friends. You can find love in your community. Heck, you can find the most ultimate and wholesome form of love possible in someone who is only at arm’s reach from you – in God. You can find love in yourself. If you believe that love will only satisfy you when it comes in its romantic form, then that is all you will ever recognise as love. And how limiting an experience that will be. Love has no bounds or depths or heights, so really and truly, who are you to place a limit on it?

2. Impatience will make you make  very bad decisions

On the same topic of love, impatience can cause major problems. Impatience has a big element of desperation in it, and many of us fall subject to its grasp. It’s at that point that the infamous monster grabs us by the throat and holds us in a headlock, the monster I like to call Settling.

Too many of us do it. We know what we want, and we know when what we want is or is not in front of us. Out of fear that what we want doesn’t exist, we tend to settle for less. We make excuses for people that we wish were more like what we want, and hold on to one fragile hope that one day they will change. We spend our lives waiting for people to become what they just never will be. Waiting for people to treat us in a way that we know they never will. And for what? Who is paying you to sit and wait for another person to suddenly transform? How much money is it adding to your account? Even if not your physical account, your mental account..how is it enriching you? Only a broke mentality will allow you to stay in the same place, knowing you can move forward and find better things.

What you want exists, so long as you exist. Your person is there. Instead of wasting your time with unsuited people, use that time to better yourself. Get your bread up. Stay busy. It will then catch you by surprise when the right type of person you want is drawn towards you.

This does not only apply to romantic relationships, but to all aspects of life. DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. In friendships, career, academics, business. Let go of the fear that tells you “this is the best you will get”. It is all about mentality. It will only be the best you will get if that is what you believe. Stop staying in the same place and move forward. Stop allowing things that do not serve you to suck energy out of you.

3. What you allow will indefinitely  continue

Your silence serves nobody. Communicate.

This is something I am learning every single day. Particularly at this point of time. Your silence serves absolutely nobody, especially yourself. If you don’t like something which can be changed, you must say it aloud (as long as it concerns you, of course). People cannot read your mind. When something bothers you, you cannot expect people to just know. You can also not be angry at them for not knowing if you are not vocalising it. If it is something that is obviously wrong, then you do not have to explain to them why it upset you. But for some of us, it is the littler things that are more personal to us which hurt us. It is these things that we must voice out. If you don’t, it will continue and only you are to blame. But if you do voice it, and it continues in such a way that the person is making no effort to change, then you are to walk away.

This principle also applies to how people treat you and how you respond to it. What you allow will continue. If people have a habit of disrespecting you, and you make them feel like it is okay by never showing through your actions that what they are doing is wrong, it will continue. A huge thing I have noticed is that sometimes your words mean nothing. It is your actions that will have a real impact on people. If somebody is upsetting you and you vocalise it, and this person still chooses to continue, as long as you stay in that relationship and act as though ultimately everything is okay, then they will continue. If it is “all talk”, they will never take you seriously. Sometimes, in order to teach people lessons, you must act rather than speak. That may mean pressing that block button, refraining from conversations from them or avoiding being in their presence. Sometimes it means ending the relationship or friendship, period. It means making them feel uncomfortable by what they have done through your actions. Personally, I find this to be much more effective than words alone. I once read a quote which said “The respect that you have for yourself must be greater than your emotions.” and it is absolutely right.

4. The only way out is in

You cannot run. What you don’t deal with will always come back to bite you in the foot. Many of us suffer til present day from experiences that occurred years upon years ago. We don’t suffer just because it happened, but because we are too afraid to deal with it. I am an expert at this. I run and run and run then get confused when I find myself back in the same spot. You cannot run from things that hurt you because this hurt will inevitably appear back in your life in another form, just when you thought you had finally escaped from it. I know this is easier said than done. I myself am still trying to figure out a way OF dealing with things, let alone actually dealing with them. But one thing I am sure of is this. The only way out is in. The only way you will heal is if you allow yourself to feel the pain by thinking about it and then finding ways to solve it. Talking is important. Writing your feelings down is also important. Communicating with God also goes a long way. Go to therapy if you can afford it. If not, be patient with yourself and learn to help yourself. Nothing is beyond your grasp. Let God help you too. A quote from one of my favourite books, Looking for Alaska by John Green, is this: “The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” So forgive.

5. Knowing your worth is everything

Many a time, everybody around you can see your worth, all except you. And that is why you allow yourself to be mistreated and given less than you deserve and to be belittled, because you don’t know your own worth. People take advantage of people who do not know their true identity. It is easiest to manipulate somebody who does not see themselves as anything valuable. So learn your worth.

When you know your worth, you begin to stop tolerating things that do not serve you and only accepting things of a certain standard. You demand that you are treated how you deserve to be. You do not allow your time to be wasted. People may say you think you are better than others, but that is not the case at all. These same people probably do not know their own worth, and have somewhat of a low self-esteem, which causes them to say things like that. People might say you move prestige or so, but at the end of the day, results will show which was the wiser option – a) moving like you know who you are or b) moving like you don’t and letting people tell you who you are.

When you don’t know your worth, you wait for other people to determine it for you. You seek approval and validation from others in subtle ways, such as posting thirst traps, trying to prove why you are worth paying attention to, trying to impress people with what brands you wear, chasing boys/girls who clearly do not like you etc. All of these are rooted in a deep insecurity. And remember, all of these lessons that I am mentioning, I have been through/am going through them. I’m insecure too. But it is up to us to learn who the heck we are. Stop waiting to be appreciated. Learn your intrinsic worth. Understand that The God who made the entire universe in all its powerful, beautiful and terrifying nature, is the same God who made you. So you are powerful and beautiful and terrifying. Believe in who you are and walk like you know who that person is.

6. It’s going to hurt like hell. And  then it won’t.

This is one of the most painful yet relieving things I’ve had to learn in these past twenty years. There are some experiences you will go through that are going to hurt like hell. As in they will leave you gasping for air at 3am in the morning. They will leave you appetite-less for days. Things that are emotional in nature will suddenly manifest in a physical form of pain. You will feel hopeless, exhausted, strained, down, low, isolated. They will have you questioning so many things, and blaming and hating yourself for the majority of those things. They will make you feel like there is no end to this pain, there is no escape to this maze, there is no solution. And it’s going to really really really hurt. And then it won’t.

Life is so funny because at a particular moment of time, we can convince ourselves that there is no hope for the future. We can convince ourselves that a particular pain will never end, that you will never move on from certain things. But then you do. Things take time. Some longer than others, but healing requires time. You cannot rush the process, you cannot escape it or it will come back to bite you as I said in lesson no.4. Sometimes you will feel silly by how long it is taking you to heal. Sometimes it is exhausting. I have spent over a year trying to heal over something that only lasted a few months. Things take time. So stop rushing yourself, and go through the motions as you are supposed to. Despite how impossible it may seem right now, one day you will look back and laugh at how hopeless you once were.

7. Be Humble

This has to be one of the funniest lessons I have learned. Be humble and do not see yourself as being beyond certain things. Many of us end up becoming what we said we never would. So be humble. That is all.

8. God is.

“God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.'” Exodus 3:14

“Truly, truly, I tell you,” Jesus declared, “before Abraham was born, I am!” John 8:58

The greatest thing that I have learned is that God is. He has the most powerful name I have ever heard, “I am“. Do you know how great you must be to carry such a title? God is. As for me, I understand that title as meaning he is sufficient. He is adequate to be everything that we need him to be. He is. He exists all by himself and he is wonderful. He is limitless. He is fantastic. He is great. He cares about the little things. Even when we are so so far from him, he cares. He loves us like none other can. His unconditional love alone is all we will ever need, we just need to be receptive to it. God has shown me time and time again, that he really is “I am”. He alone is enough.

So after that, those are amongst the main things I have learned in these past 20 years. I hope that whatever I learn in the next decade will form me into a better and better person. I am excited for this new stage in my life and hope it serves me well. I hope you enjoyed reading this, even if you didn’t read it all. Maybe share a lesson or two with someone that you think might need it. Comment too if you enjoyed it please, you can do so anonymously. And give me feedback! Do you agree or disagree with any of the lessons I learned? Let me know. In addition, if ever you wish to book me for a public speaking session or anything of the sort, my contact details are in the banner on top.

Thanks once again for reading guys, I appreciate you all and welcome you to walk in this new chapter of my life with me through my blog. Peace.